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today i have this unexplainable rage going on. it's actually been going on for a while. i have no clue what's actually causing it but it does scare me today. i want to throw things i want to break things i want to claw at things i want to stuff as much food into my mouth as possible i want to scratch my own eyes out i want to scratch at my skin possibly rip it off. i am so mad at everything that i cannot get away from this rage. i fucking hate beautiful people. i fucking hate confident people i hate confident beautiful girls girls that have it together girls that have it girls that are beautiful girls that are doing something. why? why do i hate them. because i am none of that. i'm doing nothing i'm achieveing nothing. i am not doing anything of the above. all I am good at right now is breathing and bitching. i am not changing or making any fucking difference anywhere with anyone. i fucking hate myself for the fucking asshole that i am and the fucking asshole that i am who is too damned fucking complacent to fucking change. and i fucking HATE my PERIOD!

Current Mood: enraged enraged

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I've got to learn to trust Nicholas. It gets incredibly trying at times having an extra long distance relationship. I have got to learn to trust him and realise that with all his faults he loves me with all of mine. I remember being a teenager and wishing and praying and hoping that i might find someone who would love me dispite my body, dispite my face. I remember saying I wasnt him to accept me for everything that made me up and love me for that. And Nick does just that. And I appreciate that, but I HAVE to learn to trust and not question all the time. Every few days, weeks, I'm ready to give it all up, to throw in the towel. I'm sacred of getting hurt, of being rejected by someone who I have shown so much to. I havent a clue why I'm always so willing to say goodbye but I am. So willing all the time. And Nicholas puts up with me and my nonsence. I hope I get over my stupidity and trust trust trust.

My throat is still pretty rough. Going home to the beach was amazing. Even if it was for just a day. Cut new bangs again even though I promised no more cutting. I'm so damned bad. I'm going off the THINZ too. Just for a while. If the other girls can do it , so can I.


Now for motivation to hit the gym.

Current Location: the resturant
Current Mood: okay okay
Current Music: the kitchen staff

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woke up looking pretty rough.

great way to start the weekend!

going to movies tonight.
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i'm doing that 3 day diet thing
i know i know i know that with the little o do eat as soon as i get my ugly fat ass to gym i'll loose the poundage.
i just dont want to get my fat ass to gym.
taking the thinz again and taking the laxatives.
stupid cycle.
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not feeling too hot right now - put a t shirt on that i havent worn in a while and it feels different. tighter. my bra's cutting a bit too. it doesn't stop me from eating though. i have no motivation to go to gym. its a vicious circle. i thought i had it sorted a while ago. truth is i don't and i hate it.

Current Mood: cold cold

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yep feeling fat and like shit again. i'm trying all the triggers - i'm thinking - 500 cals less today - i'm feeling the fat - i'm doing the stupid pill popping thing again...i'm just not feeling the i have to get to gym thing right now. i'm looking at the celeb pics, the thinspiration, the suicicde gods girls pics - i'd love to be one - but i'm still eating.

not feeling the love right now - i'm an asshole. i'm fat and lazy. simple. 


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